If you’re like me, good ideas come once in a lifetime; so, you have to make do with the mediocre ones along the way. This is what brings me to the subject matter at hand: How to start a magazine. Now, there truly isn’t a sure-fire way to embark on this venture; but, by God, I’ll pretend like there is and set out a list of how to achieve the impossible: get a bunch of creatives to be productive.
Step 1: Collateral
What? You thought human beings would work without external consequences? Maybe this line of work isn’t cut out for you; I hear the local soup kitchens need volunteers with a naïve sense of do goodery (seriously, they do). But if you and I are on the same wavelength, you’ve already tracked the whereabouts and plotted the prime abduction hours of your future staff’s furry friends. Now, I’m not crazy; sure, divinity causes a determination only seen in serial killers and politicians. I just know the most efficient way to get things done, and I know the cost: a whole bunch of kibble. And trust me, nothing gets done if the animal dies (unless you’re dealing with the brooding artist type, if so, mangling an animal might be the price to pay for the best epic poem you’ve ever read). But, if you’re looking to inspire, after the completion of an article, maybe the animal saunters back home without an explanation.
Step 2: Tyranny and Faux Disillusionment
The only thing an artist/creative wants is a mold to break, a system to fight, and a cause to lose: this is where conspiracy theories come in handy. Think about it, countries’ ideals change due to elections based on false knowledge, why not use the fake news agenda to your benefit? So, the process is as follows:
Create an enemy (preferably out of someone known to be good: Mr. Rogers, Gandhi, etc.)
Prove their evil deeds are working towards a systematic goal of destruction of good or some bullshit like that (these are artists we’re talking about, they’re not too hard to fool)
Fight the “evil” agenda, by fighting something completely unrelated. E.g.: My laundry must be done, or the Zionists win!
And, you know, do some magazine related stuff in the middle I guess.
Step 3: “We are not a cult”
I mean, hell, the world is a cult of personality; and it’s not even a cult of good personality. Be a piece of shit, be good, what do I care. Why am I writing this? Why am I creating competition for myself? Is it because I love the thrill of the hunt? Yes, and I will gut you like a tiny fish: haphazardly and just to prove to my dad I learned something. So, buckle up, here’s the race of a lifetime: may yours be short (or long, I personally don’t care. I already set up certain keyword blocking software on my staff’s phones, they won’t learn of your existence, it’ll just be our little secret.)